Iterations i.e. taking the first step

Sometimes the first step is not really the first step but may reflect the “first step” within a particular stage/phase within your process.

Through conversations I have been having with colleagues, clients and loved ones, it feels that we all, on some level, have insecurities when it comes to testing our potential.

In this post, I specifically wanted to be transparent about how it has felt to launch my business, from the context of being a practitioner/therapist that has mainly worked within NHS settings, and all that it brings to the surface when I allow myself to feel and acknowledge it.

Now first, I must say (and this may be met with an eye roll lol), but I have strong suspicion that I am somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum (I have worked with too many ADHD’ers to know I’m part of the family). So, I often talk and relate to my feelings in textures, sensations and smells. And right now, I would say I am feeling swirly and crunchy (imagine the feeling of when you stomp on your parcel boxes to fit them in your recycling, mixed with the waves of the sea- yeah this is the swirly-crunchy feeling I have).

So, this swirly-crunchy feeling is accompanying me as I test this potential of mine. I am needing to put myself out there publicly, and truthfully in ways that do not make me feel 100% comfortable. For example, starting a business and having a website means needing to advertise to reach a wider audience. And I will be so real with you, I find that process quite annoying, for reasons pertaining to perfectionism as well as it not being the core of what I want to do. Ultimately, I do not want to spend my time curating videos for Instagram to advertise or go to events to say "hey I'm Racquel, this is what I do", but I am aware that I need to play the game in order to get some traction.

Playing the game. How to play the game, when you feel that certain parts of the game requires skills that you do not yet have and/or are not as refined as skills that you already poses? Well, like I would say to a client, let’s start small, let's experiment with a small piece of what you would like to achieve and simply try. However, whilst trying, I need to be truthful to myself. This means understanding how my ego is speaking and how concerns regarding past negative experiences and interactions may attempt to dissuade me if I let it, and allow myself to use the tools of Honesty and Vulnerability, to help me name, sit with and break down the process into fractions that makes sense to me, to help me work with it not against it.

I’ll put it like this, it has felt like an usual process trying to market myself to a wider audience, when the majority of my clinical work has received reputable acknowledgement from both clients and colleagues. However, my reasons for starting a private practice as outlined in first blog post called My Approach To Therapy, is what guides my incentives to continue, in what I feel to be quite a vulnerable process.

However, despite the vulnerability I can’t not try. I cannot let negative stories, or negative past events win. I desire to be able to find a way to work through these feelings, because this is more than just a job to pay bills. It is where a lot of love and care resides when it comes to sharing space with people.

Part 2 of my series called "When Trauma Speaks". It reads from the centre in a clockwise motion "don't be too much, don't say too much, don't make yourself seen, don't offend others, don't give your opinion, don't make yourself seen, don't stand out, don't dare to do something different, don't let them have a reason to talk about you". The adjacent text reads "sometimes it feels lonely living life as just me. Feeling too much, personalising the feelings and its meaning about me". This piece reflects what our traumas can echo, but once we acknowledge it, we remind ourselves we have choice in how we respond.

And so, I now redefine trying to mean:

1) we are going to get things “wrong” and it will initially feel uncomfortable and that’s okay, once regulated can I ask myself “what did I learn and where can I make space to try again?

2) as someone close to me reminded me, I will need to do enough “reps” at certain stages before progress is made

3) starting is better than having not tried and

4) it takes time.

So why am I describing this to you? And what do I hope to aim in sharing this process? Ultimately, I think it is important that in spite of the label “psychotherapist” of which I have acquired, I am first Human. Just like you. And this means, I am living life alongside you. Working through my own limiting beliefs and testing and pushing my own potential.

As such, I have recently experimented with posting a “soft launch” of my website on my Instagram (@_tisfa)– again I cannot stress how much I am currently not in love with this side of the process lol– and although there are things within it where I can sense judgement from myself, I remind myself of my new rule of what it means to “try”.

So hey, feel free to check out my soft/hard/whatever launch lol and I am sure more iterations of this will come in future. But for now, this is what we have, and this is what feels authentic.

Lastly and most importantly, if you are also struggling with breaking down goals for yourself and feeling scared to dare to test to see if you could live a life that feels aligned to your values, how about thinking about your own definition of what it means to try? Perhaps your current definition of “trying” is holding you back? If so, let’s change that. Grant yourself the permission to re-create the rule, and give yourself permission try an iteration – a step within a phase/stage in your process.

P.S. in case you were wondering, the swirly-crunchy feeling is still there, but having shared this with you it is less intense. I am reminded how honesty and transparency can be good for the soul, thank you for reading :)

One Love Always,

Racquel

~Transformation~ Exhibition at Bethlem Museum of the Mind

The Bethlem Museum of the Mind (based at the oldest mental health hospital in the world) is currently holding their annual exhibition [and partially being shared with their sister site at the Maudsley] where the theme for this year is, TRANSFORMATION.

Excitingly [and nerve-rackingly] I have taken the opportunity to present my artwork for a 2^nd year in a row. I have been processing what it means to share my artwork, especially in an establishment like the Bethlem Museum.

Here's me standing by 2/3 offerings I am showing in the Exhibition ^-^

In my last blog post, regarding an exhibition I went to (again at the Bethlem Museum), I expressed how the message of that Exhibition spoke to me. My relationship with art and expression (as shared in blog post ‘Your First TISFA’) was met with external and internal criticism. As my art often did not look like how my then art teachers were trying to teach me. This contributed to a process being developed, where the focus of creating was defined by how well it would be externally validated. As you can imagine, this then becomes the bedrock for self-comparison, lowering sense of self-worth and becoming doubtful in your own expressions.

However, I soon learnt through developing and using TISFA (on myself and with others) that art is not about this. It is not about artists [i.e. anyone who makes art] being grouped into of what is “allowed” vs what is “shunned” when it comes to their expression. Instead, the art that you create, can be an instrument, a tool, a method that leads to not just to emotional regulation but also an emotional expression, that can be very personal to you. For me this means, art/your expression, doesn’t have to appear to “make sense” or even present itself as “clear” in order for the message and its meaning to mean. Art thus has the permission to be simultaneously oxymoronic and paradoxical, in that it can be free yet restricted, structured yet unstructured, all at once, at the same time.

As I walked through the exhibition, talking to other artists and visitors, I felt a deep honour to share a wall, and a room with so many brave souls who have felt the depths and swirls of their Emotions. These are people who choose to use their emotions and experiences as inspiration and philosophy for how they show up and express themselves in the world. It is inspiring, brave and rebellious to the stigma of mental health difficulties overall. By its existence, it can be a humbling reminder to those who forget that when we strip down labels and materials: we all feel similarly, we are often more similar than we are different, and Mental Health [including the struggles] is for EVERYONE.

Perusing through the various expressions. Every piece was different and capturing in terms of materials, space, shapes and colours used. More details about the artists and name of their piece are at the back of each creation (which was what I was snooping for here).

If you are wanting to stop by the Bethlem Museum, I hope you get to enjoy nestling into some of the rawest expressions, that have at times come from the most difficult and vulnerable places.

The exhibition is on until the 10^th January 2026!

 Should you visit and come across any of my pieces and wondered what was going through my mind as I was creating, please see descriptions below

Drawing 1: Gut Feeling

This drawing expresses what it means to remind myself of my indigenous ancestry, the lands where I originally came from, the gift of intuition that has been passed to me and also resonating with what I deeply yearn for – which is Peace personified in Nature, and a freedom to explore and nestle into it. It is a reminder to trust my intuition and listen to my Gut, as this brings be closer to Health and Prosperity.

Drawing 2: To God I Pray

This drawing expresses what it means to submit the fears and concerns to God. Remembering that when we hand over our concerns, fears and woes, God will grant us something in return and help transform our perspective and attitudes on our current situations. The person is kneeling “alone” by a coconut tree, located by the river on a sunny day. ‘God’ is therefore embodied, as being earth (tree and ground), water (the river), air [voice] and fire [sun] and as well as being part of the person. There is a basket in river that can be perceived twofold i.e. 1) an offering to God and 2) a gift from God = a prayer answered.

Drawing 3: You&Me=MoonTide

This reflects the intimacy and intensity of my connection with my partner. Understanding that they and I are two sides of the same coin, opposed in element yet crucially connected by this opposition. It reflects the undulations we might feel in our dynamic, and that we take turns in being both the sea and the moon. It also expresses a willingness to stay committed in the face of cloudy/ stormy times, especially when that calls us to experience each other at various depths and fullness. And is a reminder that essentially each other’s presence is there to be a supportive and loving companion to the other and not one of destruction, violence or harm. This is a transformative love, and it at times can feel overwhelming.

Thank you at Bethlem Royal Museum, for allowing me to take part. Thank you to those who came to visit the open day with me, and special thanks to Isobel, whose love for art, freedom and justice is felt through and witnessed in how you connect with people <3.

One Love, Always,

Racquel

Reclaiming Artistic Expression

I rarely make an active effort to look at other people’s art as I do not wish to unintentionally replicate what I have seen and lose an authenticity in my expression.

Nonetheless, when it catches my eye, I cannot help but look.

I recently went to an exhibition put on by the Bethlem Royal Hospital Museum, where they were showing work by an Artist called Mud (I believe the exhibition is on until end of September). This exhibition shows the journey of Mud's experiences of mental health, and using mental health services. I strogly recommend you going, as the pieces and their descriptions felt like firewood had been thrown into my furnace. Mud had pieces that felt prescriptive to a lot of the hurt many of us carry and could connect to.

Art By Mud - Piece called Manifesto

The message behind Mud’s art spoke to me on so many levels. For me the piece above (plus many others, though I will not share all the pieces of Mud's exhibition I loved, as I do feel it is worth the visit) shouted back at all oppressive voices that egoically impose art is to be accessed by a "certain few". It rebels at the idea that art is something one must have to study in order to be an artist, or that art has to “look a certain way” in order for it to have meaning. And I find it sad, but understandable when I draw with someone and they say "I don't know how to draw, I am not very good at art" even for those who have studied art! Mud's exhibition for me, felt like it spoke out against the various "ism's" that try to make people feel insecure and restricted in their creative ability.

For me, artistic expression, be it drawing to dancing is firstly ancestral + intuitive, it is ritualistic, personal and something enjoyed in isolation or with community. So by that nature, we are all artist, for we represent the largest art-form ever known to humankind, Life.

I have not yet had the honour to meet Mud, but should I do, I hope to look them in their eyes and say thank you. Thank you for this soul felt expression, thank you for speaking to all of our inner child’s, thank you for the encouragement and thank you for turning your pains into passion.

Racquel TISFA - Inner Child Encouragement. This drawing was done in session with a client who was working on healing their inner child wounds due to family trauma, and was my depiction on them returning love back to themselves. The voice over is from my beautiful niece, who I hope and trust as she grows remembers the sentiment she organically shared with me when I asked how it felt to draw and what drawing means to her.

One Love, always.

Racquel.