Iterations i.e. taking the first step

Sometimes the first step is not really the first step but may reflect the “first step” within a particular stage/phase within your process.

Through conversations I have been having with colleagues, clients and loved ones, it feels that we all, on some level, have insecurities when it comes to testing our potential.

In this post, I specifically wanted to be transparent about how it has felt to launch my business, from the context of being a practitioner/therapist that has mainly worked within NHS settings, and all that it brings to the surface when I allow myself to feel and acknowledge it.

Now first, I must say (and this may be met with an eye roll lol), but I have strong suspicion that I am somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum (I have worked with too many ADHD’ers to know I’m part of the family). So, I often talk and relate to my feelings in textures, sensations and smells. And right now, I would say I am feeling swirly and crunchy (imagine the feeling of when you stomp on your parcel boxes to fit them in your recycling, mixed with the waves of the sea- yeah this is the swirly-crunchy feeling I have).

So, this swirly-crunchy feeling is accompanying me as I test this potential of mine. I am needing to put myself out there publicly, and truthfully in ways that do not make me feel 100% comfortable. For example, starting a business and having a website means needing to advertise to reach a wider audience. And I will be so real with you, I find that process quite annoying, for reasons pertaining to perfectionism as well as it not being the core of what I want to do. Ultimately, I do not want to spend my time curating videos for Instagram to advertise or go to events to say "hey I'm Racquel, this is what I do", but I am aware that I need to play the game in order to get some traction.

Playing the game. How to play the game, when you feel that certain parts of the game requires skills that you do not yet have and/or are not as refined as skills that you already poses? Well, like I would say to a client, let’s start small, let's experiment with a small piece of what you would like to achieve and simply try. However, whilst trying, I need to be truthful to myself. This means understanding how my ego is speaking and how concerns regarding past negative experiences and interactions may attempt to dissuade me if I let it, and allow myself to use the tools of Honesty and Vulnerability, to help me name, sit with and break down the process into fractions that makes sense to me, to help me work with it not against it.

I’ll put it like this, it has felt like an usual process trying to market myself to a wider audience, when the majority of my clinical work has received reputable acknowledgement from both clients and colleagues. However, my reasons for starting a private practice as outlined in first blog post called My Approach To Therapy, is what guides my incentives to continue, in what I feel to be quite a vulnerable process.

However, despite the vulnerability I can’t not try. I cannot let negative stories, or negative past events win. I desire to be able to find a way to work through these feelings, because this is more than just a job to pay bills. It is where a lot of love and care resides when it comes to sharing space with people.

Part 2 of my series called "When Trauma Speaks". It reads from the centre in a clockwise motion "don't be too much, don't say too much, don't make yourself seen, don't offend others, don't give your opinion, don't make yourself seen, don't stand out, don't dare to do something different, don't let them have a reason to talk about you". The adjacent text reads "sometimes it feels lonely living life as just me. Feeling too much, personalising the feelings and its meaning about me". This piece reflects what our traumas can echo, but once we acknowledge it, we remind ourselves we have choice in how we respond.

And so, I now redefine trying to mean:

1) we are going to get things “wrong” and it will initially feel uncomfortable and that’s okay, once regulated can I ask myself “what did I learn and where can I make space to try again?

2) as someone close to me reminded me, I will need to do enough “reps” at certain stages before progress is made

3) starting is better than having not tried and

4) it takes time.

So why am I describing this to you? And what do I hope to aim in sharing this process? Ultimately, I think it is important that in spite of the label “psychotherapist” of which I have acquired, I am first Human. Just like you. And this means, I am living life alongside you. Working through my own limiting beliefs and testing and pushing my own potential.

As such, I have recently experimented with posting a “soft launch” of my website on my Instagram (@_tisfa)– again I cannot stress how much I am currently not in love with this side of the process lol– and although there are things within it where I can sense judgement from myself, I remind myself of my new rule of what it means to “try”.

So hey, feel free to check out my soft/hard/whatever launch lol and I am sure more iterations of this will come in future. But for now, this is what we have, and this is what feels authentic.

Lastly and most importantly, if you are also struggling with breaking down goals for yourself and feeling scared to dare to test to see if you could live a life that feels aligned to your values, how about thinking about your own definition of what it means to try? Perhaps your current definition of “trying” is holding you back? If so, let’s change that. Grant yourself the permission to re-create the rule, and give yourself permission try an iteration – a step within a phase/stage in your process.

P.S. in case you were wondering, the swirly-crunchy feeling is still there, but having shared this with you it is less intense. I am reminded how honesty and transparency can be good for the soul, thank you for reading :)

One Love Always,

Racquel